The story of a soldier

“Where am I? Is this the "nothingness"? Somehow this place makes me extremely aware of my own frailty and vulnerability. What is this place said the Soldier?” Don’t worry you are and you are loved, said the voice.” “I remember now, I was a soldier and I was to protect the princess, I was to find the enemy in our kingdom, expose and defeat him and win the princess’s heart said the Soldier.” “And, now you are here in this place. You have achieved a consciousness that many others have not achieved said the voice.” The soldier asks, “Am I dead or alive, am I real or am I a figment of someone’s imagination?” You are as real to me just as I am to you. “It seems we lost the battle and the adversary has won his victory causing the whole world to be swallowed up by this nothingness,” said the Soldier. The voice says, “It is he that has been swallowed up by victory”. Is that what you really think, do you really believe the adversary is in control of all of this? He’s just a small pawn in a bigger game that I win, and you could too if you would just change the way you think! Hum, you call this place nothingness? I call this place, my imagination, and you’re just another thought, an idea, or a concept if you will, in my mind. And I am always in control. “Why is this happening to me? Why am I going through this?” said the Soldier. The voice repeats all of his questions in a winy voice. “It’s all about you isn’t it! You always seem to have yourself on your mind. You spend countless time in the mirror but you walk away and forget what you look like. “Where are my fellow soldiers, where are my friends asked the soldier?” None of them can help you in this place, so I hope you learn to appreciate it just being you and me!” said the voice. You are not the only one going through what you are going through. Sure, each life is unique and every circumstance is different but life and circumstances brings everyone, everyone, to this place, this crossroad, this place of “nothingness” as you call it. Each individual in some form or fashion, find themselves here, asking the same questions and the answers are always the same. Each one faced with a similar dilemma, just as you are thinking at this moment, if you have enough strength to get you through the next moment before you slip away, before you die. You’re afraid, because you are uncertain of what lies ahead of you. Can you imagine what the princess was going through and what she must have thought and if she was thinking the same thing? Right before she vanished into the nothingness, she was exactly where you are now. Was it dark; was she afraid, did she feel alone? (The soldier weeps as he imagines the princess trembling in the dark alone) Where were you soldier? Were you there when she was slipping away, were you there to answer her questions, were you there to take her by the hand. “I didn’t know”, screams the soldier. And yet she had something you don’t, an assurance, a peace.  She looked death right between the eyes right there in the dark.… “But you were there for her weren’t you?” asked the soldier.” I was there. (Brief silence) But let’s talk about you said the voice. Down to your last few breaths, let’s answer your first question. You want to know how you ended up here. Who are you that you should not taste death because of your selfishness and your pride? “How can you condemn a man for not knowing?” said the soldier. Not knowing you say? Wisdom was calling out to you and she presented herself to you but you chose to turn a deaf ear to her and decided to lean to your own understanding. Understanding was at your fingertips but you withdrew your hand and instead you reached for folly. “Why are you doing this to me? This is all your fault said the soldier.” “Why do you blame me small soldier, you were the one who pursued your own desire, your own selfish ambitions. Now you are angry because instead of finding fulfillment you end up here and now it’s just you and I said the voice.” “But I was doing something good; something worth while, I was protecting the princess said the soldier.” And who was protecting her from you? (No reply) Good without me isn’t good enough. I gave you plenty of signs along the way but you ignored them. I kept you from this, shielded you from that and you never once acknowledged me, rather you believed more in the strength of your own arm. You avoided accountability and commitment to me because you thought you could do a better job at managing your life. You thought you were invincible yet you were delusional and high off your on achievements! Why am I alone asked the soldier? How can you be alone if I’m here? Would you prefer to be here with someone else? (The soldier thinks) “No!” the soldier answered. Tell me why young soldier? Well, because, (pause) no one else could have given me the answers that you have given me or helped me to see myself said the soldier. This place, right where you are, this very place is the place where all men fear. “You have answered my questions and brought me a peace I have never known. There is nothing that could ever satisfy me not money, not ambition, not the love of a princess, not food, water or even air, but only a relationship with you. You speak truth and it stills the storm inside me said the soldier.” For once, your words are not stout against me says the voice. Many have come to this place and they chose to believe in what they could see rather than the truth. They could’ve traded their fear for faith; it’s a simple decision, that could have connected them to a different fate said the voice! So soldier, what exactly is this place really? (He looks around) “This place, (pause) is the valley of decision said the soldier.” You perceive correctly young soldier. Are you still afraid of what’s going to happen when you take your last breath asked the voice? (He takes a few breaths) What is death? And why are we so afraid of it?” the soldier asks. I’ve waited a long time for someone to ask that question. Man can die many deaths. He can die to his own ambition, to his own desires, to his own will and he can even die to the physical world. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand death. Death is simply a separation, a transition, from one thing to another, or from one place to another. It’s the absence of truth that causes man to be afraid of what he doesn’t know. The uncertainty scares him. The uncertainty of not knowing what life will be like when he is separated from his body and this world; wondering if he’s made the right decisions. So death is not the end asks the soldier? No, death is just the beginning. My peace is what smoothes the transition. Peace comes from knowing the truth said the voice. What is the truth asks the soldier? Another good question says the voice. I am! Truth is rightness according to what I say is right. Truth is anything and everything I say. Everything that proceeds out of my mouth is truth. With my word I have established everything that is seen and unseen. There is nothing and there is no one who can overturn what I have established. I decree a thing and it is so. My words are proclamation they are providence and they are iron clad!! So truth is all I need asks the soldier? Almost says the voice, truth is only the half of it; the other half is faith in the truth! “Who am I, soldier?” asks the voice. “You are the author and the finisher of my faith” replies the soldier. How do you know this? Because you said it, because I believe you and because there is a voice inside of me, an inner consciousness that bears witness to you and your words. This is good soldier, you are almost ready. I created you this way in fact; I created all men this way. There are many voices in the world; man can choose to listen to any of them. Ultimately the voice I put on the inside of man was designed to lead him to me. Being in my presence has strengthened your inner voice. When a man forsakes my presence his inner voice becomes dull and sometimes silenced. Other voices around him become louder and it is sometimes easier to succumb to the louder voice. Are you ready soldier? Please forgive me of my unrighteousness Lord, you have bestowed upon me grace, mercy and wisdom something I don’t deserve. I accept your truth and I am now ready to transition into that next place! 

Dead Silence

I long to have the kind of conversation that flows from one subject to the next. Conversation that's effortless. I hate carrying the burden of trying to keep a conversation going. We all hate dead silence which could mean we have nothing left to talk about. And though no conversation can be described as the 'never ending story' we should all like to have meaningful dialogue. For me, conversation at some point or another has to stimulate every part of me. For I am - a spiritual, emotional and intellectual being. 

I want to talk about the things that are passionate to both of us. I want to talk about current events. I want to talk about our faith. I want to talk about a song I heard or a movie I watched. I want to share his excitement. I want to share my pain. I want him to share his insecurities and his victories. I want to share my secrets. But... we all reserve most of those things for that special someone. Someone we can trust not to walk away when we reveal those secrets. Someone who will love us all the more because of them not despite of them. I want to talk about how we feel. Though it's typical for men not to want to talk about how they feel, somethings need to be verbally communicated. If you don't tell me I won't know. I'm not a mind reader and I try to never assume. 


The more we have in common the more we have to talk about. An inquisitive person makes a good conversationalist because they ask lots of questions. And any time you're trying to get to know someone you should be asking questions. And if the listener doesn't have anything to hide they should be willing to answer some questions. Though you do want to build some history and establish a rapport with someone before you go bombarding them with all sorts of questions.

I tend to ask myself what purpose does this person play in my life or what purpose do I want them to play and that will determine the kind of dialogue I chose to have with them. If it's a professional relationship I'll keep it professional. Doesn't mean I won't share some details about myself and doesn't mean I won't ask certain questions to get to know their integrity. 

I want to talk to the guy who makes me feel sexy and smart. I want to talk to the guy whose personality draws the best out of me. I want to talk to the guy who makes my heart skip a beat. I want to talk to the guy who provokes me to see the little boy in him. 

The Splendor of a Garden

          We are the gardener of our garden called life. As a gardener we can be kind, nurturing, gentle, protective, and somewhat devoted but we can also be ignorant, careless, blind, and negligent. Without the help of the Master Gardener we remain ignorant, careless, etc... Without the assistance of the Master Gardener we stay oblivious to the purpose or necessity of our garden. Part of our garden feeds us; gives us the sustenance we need to properly and wisely take care of our garden. Other parts of the garden gives us fulfillment, pleasure, and the satisfaction of taking care of something, knowing that we’re needed and being appreciated for the care we give. Each part of the garden is connected and interwoven. The care or lack of care we give to one part can affect the other parts. Some parts of our garden goes uncultivated, undeveloped, neglected, and or improperly cared for.

          When we seek companionship, we invite others into our garden. We all compare our gardens, making observations, taking or gathering in information, taking a whiff of the fragrance, aroma, odor, or scent other gardens emanate. Observing its order, its ciaos, its growth, and or its potential. And though the gardener may be suited for a simple, minuscule gardening task, he may not be suited to take on a more complicated, complex task. The potential inside of us is always attracted to gardens that have been better kept, properly tilled, and the choice of seeds planted in its garden. We are sometimes amazed by the floral décor we’ve seen planted in the gardens of others and sometimes we are left in disgust at the sight of a garden that’s overgrown with weeds and poisonous plants that chokes the life of the gardener and anyone who comes into it.

       Some gardeners have been very successful at maintaining their garden. Doesn’t mean that their garden is perfect, that it needs no attention, replanting, fertilizing, or watering etc….It means that this gardener has done his best at utilizing the tools he was given and has a somewhat productive garden. And though most gardens have the potential to grow no matter how productive or unproductive, some gardeners become, satisfied or complacent with its current productivity. They compare their garden with others and they say it’s better than a whole bunch of other gardens. They notice other gardens and gardeners who have cultivated a similar level of success and they are gratified by the feeling of achievement and opportunity to share in that success. And because the other gardeners have become content, complacent, or lazy they are sometimes unchallenged to reach for any thing greater than what they see with their natural eyes.

        And then we meet someone that wants to plant themselves in our garden or perhaps just visit. Depending on what kind of gardener they are, they can bring order or ciaos to our garden but sometimes they bring exactly what we need to dream again; to cause us to see beyond our current level of success and drop some gardening tips. They can show us what we’ve been doing right and what we’ve been doing wrong. They may even point out to us what needs to be uprooted, or pruned; what needs more attention. We may want them to fulfill one purpose but they may be there to fulfill another.

          I met a guy who wanted to cherish me and plant me in his garden. But while some parts of his garden was sufficient (his kind hearted nature and good stable job) other parts were over grown (disorderly children and the drama that goes with it), and choking the life out of him. For me to allow myself to be planted there would easily suggest that I would have my neck squeezed. This affected him, emotionally and financially and it stunted his growth. His mind was foggy from the hallucinatory mushrooms he had growing in his garden (vices-drinking, smoking), He was distracted by the ciaos from the seeds (children) he produced. They stole his time, money, mental clarity and desire to live and dream more abundantly. He associated himself with other gardeners whose gardens were similar to his. He was not accustom to planting the kind of seeds in his garden that would give him the sustenance he needed to properly and wisely take care of his garden. Then he met me. He wanted to plant me in his garden; he wanted me to stay…even the night. It was obvious to me that he had some of the tools he needed: he was kind, gentle, sweet, protecting, somewhat tempered, and giving. And though he was suited for a simple, minuscule task (sex/love/affection) it wasn’t enough for me, the more complex, complicated gardener. In no way was I suggesting my garden was perfect and needed no work, it was just that he had too much ciaos in his to help me with mine, but I could help him with his, as long as I wasn’t selfish. I wanted to take the high road; forgetting about my carnal desires or satisfying an itch. But offer him the kind of care the Master Gardner would. This would require on my part self control and compassion. I could offer him some gardening tips but nothing more.

          Then there was this other guy. I had invited him to visit my garden. I was transparent; I had nothing to hide and no desire for artificial flowers (false pretenses). It was so much easier to be honest about what was growing in my garden, especially because I was genuinely interested in doing what was necessary for it to be as fulfilling and productive as possible. I was somewhat content with my garden though never satisfied. I tried to show around my entire garden and explain to him the toil behind what had been cultivated and the truth about the neglected and unproductive parts of it but he only seemed to be interested in my calla lilies. I could see he had potential. But I’ve learned from past experience to not get caught up in potential. I really wanted to see what he’d done with the rest of his garden but I was never allowed into the inner court of it. I could only think he had something to hide. His inner court was surrounded by a brick wall that made it impossible for me to smell, see or touch whatever he had growing in it. I wondered, what type of people he allowed in there. I don’t think living in the same state would permit me to find that out. 

          Though he welcomed me into what I call a lounging area of his outer court. From time to time he would give me snapshots and superficial conversation about the rest of his garden but never was I invited to experience it firsthand, up close and personal. He was clearly interested in me fulfilling simple, minuscule tasks outside his inner court, in that lounging area that was filled with bouquets of what ifs, sensuous smells of deception and floral aroma’s of debauchery like bliss. What was he hiding, would he ever tear those walls down, would he ever invite me into the inner court of his garden, what would I find upon my arrival, would it be a visit or would I run away never to return? His outer court was very beautiful, attractive, captivating and alluring. It would make any woman want to know or see what the inner court was like. Was he being cautious, had he experienced the degradation of planting the wrong people in it?  

Diary of a Single Saved Woman

My heart is overwhelmed today and when I say today, I mean in this season of my life. It's almost like my whole life was arranged to get me right where I am...right now... Never have I been more happier, never have I been more content, more confident, at peace, in faith, possessing such clarity! Clarity of vision, clarity of desires, clarity of who I am, clarity of what I possess (my many assets...what I bring to the table), clarity of where I'm going. Don't get me wrong, I don't have all the details and I still have unfulfilled desires regarding finances and a husband but for the most part, I can truly say that despite of it, I remain full of joy. I've seen God answer so many prayers that I'm confident that He'll finish what He started in me. He has blessed me sooooo much! God knows I don't deserve half of what He's given me, talents, gifts, peace, protection, healing, deliverance, sanity....Thank God for grace, mercy and favor. For the first time in my life, I understand who I am, what I like, what I want possessing the desire and strength to pursue my hopes and dreams. What I want most is God, His presence, His will for my life. I simply trust Him. And yes I'm impatient a lot of times. My imagination is my gift and curse at times. I've spent the better half of my life pursuing Him, His presence and way, a mature understanding of His Word. I understand the power I have and learning to walk in humility and meekness (power under control). To much is given, much is required. I love who I am.....strengths and weaknesses in all. I've learned to understand my weaknesses, I've learned to run to God with everything, I mean everything. I love what God is doing in my life in this seasons. Something has got to be different about me, that I can rejoice in my weaknesses and struggles and genuinely praise and thank God for them...WOW. Oh my God, when the enemy tries to blow things out of proportion I run into the presence of God and that thing shrinks back to size. Tonight, I heard the Lord say regarding a concern I had "It's ok".OMG, I started to cry and I'm crying now because the moment He said it, it was indeed ok! Which meant, honey be yourself, and who ever don't like it oh well! Just another confirmation to what Bishop preached on this past Sunday. Shiloam, nothing missing, nothing lacking, but complete and whole in Him. What and who God has for me, It is. Lord, I praise you in advance and if I forget to tell you....I had a good time.

Excerpt from The Ministry of a Wife: Marriage is Ministry Published '02

THEY SHALL BE ONE FLESH

There is a mystical moment when a man and a woman make love to one another in the presence of God that they perceive that in this physical realm they can never be close enough. The two lock together in a heated fix of like passion while longing to be one in every way possible. He desires to be as far inside of her as he can imagine, while she waits for his arrival to that place of oneness so that he can make a deposit and so that they can share a supernatural experience. His love for her inspires his every vigorous stride to make an intimate and spiritual connection that can’t be made in the natural sense. His passion drives him to continue a more aggressive pursuit for that very indescribable moment that the both of them soon share. She responds to his every gentle thrust with acceptance, patience, vision and expectation—and with God in the midst, what could have been an ordinary experience now becomes an extraordinary one.

Thoughts run rampant of their appreciation and thanksgiving to God for the blessing of love that is miraculously communicated to their spirit while engaging in that very precious act of intercourse. The experience is so powerful, so illuminating, and so breathtaking that one can’t help but cry out to one’s Maker. She desperately tries to communicate with words how she adores her husband by calling out his name. Other than his name or Jesus’ name, there are no words to describe or explain the depth of her heart, so she solely relies on the presence of God and her willingness to yield every part of her being—to reveal the pages of her heart. So what does one do? Speak in the spirit, of course, in attempt to utter those indescribable words that can only be spoken by the spirit.

He looks into her eyes and embraces her with a stare that seems to suggest that he has received the interpretation and that she belongs to him. The experience is sealed with a burst of tears and a sense of knowing that you have been completely understood. With every encounter, the Holy Spirit strengthens the love that is shared, forming a three fold cord that cannot be easily broken. The two begin to reflect upon their unique experience with God and they will never, be the same, again.

Monologue: Dear Adam (future husband)

Excerpt From The Ministry of a Wife: published in 2002

Dear Adam, ©©

I have come to the end of myself. Not losing heart or faith but allowing me the whole opportunity to see the manifestation of you manifested in my life. Though I have grown weary with the time that has passed and still no physical manifestation of you, I have come to the end of myself, and found strength and courage in the presence of our dear Father who re-affirms His promise, His solemn promise of you to swiftly, and expeditiously appear at the most opportune moment when dreams become reality. Not too late and not to soon will you appear in all of your glory, filled with praise as a willing vessel to communicate to me the Masters unique desire to love me the way I have never been loved before. And how my body trembles at the precious thought, the idea, that soon you and I shall cut a covenant of the highest, and embark upon a journey that will lead us to the altar of our consummation and it will be sealed in blood. As it stains the sheets beneath us, so will my spirit be stained with yours as an everlasting token of our oneness. That at every moment of remembrance I will be consumed by images of how you delicately yielded yourself to the moment, to His presence and to my love. Oh Adam, how I long to look deep within your eyes and see my reflection starring back at me. Having my deepest desire revealed; to see myself through your warm eyes of understanding is a day that I anticipate and look forward to. To allow myself to be yielded to that same Holy Presence, and be used of Him to waywardly express my gratitude, my appreciation and my thanksgiving for His most unique and pleasurable plan that caused our souls to collide. Adam, my heart belongs to you and I can not give it to another. So for now I must find counsel in the stroke of a pen, pouring my heart upon paper like ink, which will permanently stain the pages of them. I must take refuge and solace in the imagination of my own heart until I can one day gracefully rest my head upon the sweet smelling fragrance of your aroma that flows so sweetly from that place within you, that place that undoubtedly holds the very essence of my life. 

Monologue: Dear Adam

Excerpt from The Ministry of a Wife: www.kingdom-scribes.com  pub. 2002

Dear Adam

        Thinking of you is all I seem to do lately! Growing weary of distractions, but nonetheless they are not you! You’re all I want and all I’ll ever need. This time of waiting, I seem to be growing impatient, drawing nearer to the Lord, who gives me peace in knowing that the intersection of our lives is not a matter of what if, but a matter of when. In between my summer and winter, I’m missing you something awful. I do so long for the day that I can share my thoughts of you, my dreams, my goals, my fears, and my expectations. I know exactly what you want and what you need. You want it all, and you want it all wrapped up into one woman, your Eve. She has to be every woman in order to keep you happy! I know you want her to be strong enough to push you to the place where you need to be, but yet gentle enough to yield to your instruction. Woman enough to be who God has called her to be, yet girl enough to give you something to protect and take care of. She loves the way she feels when she’s in your arms. So soft and delicate, fragile, yet sturdy enough to hold up under your masculinity! Don’t you love the way she makes you feel? You’re so strong and so special. No man can touch her where you can. You make her want to be the little girl she never had the chance of being. You make her want to touch every part of you especially the parts of you that have never been touched by anyone, not even God! And it was His purpose all along, to give you that special someone, your Eve created to do just that! She feels so safe in your arms and she rests assured that there is nothing you will not do for her. Her spirit knows that you are inside of her, thereby knowing her every desire. For her to long is for you to long. For her to hurt is for you to hurt and for her to cry is for you to cry. Your world just isn’t right unless hers is. I bet you thought you could never feel this way about anyone huh? But here’s the wisdom of the woman, she always knew she would feel this way for you even before she met you! You don’t want her to be another distraction. Who can blame you? Oh but she is not. Look within yourself and find what you never knew was there. The Father has been talking to you all along, even during the distractions and disappointments. Deep down you knew they were not me, the one you were waiting for, because that inner part of yourself that only I can fill was still just as hollow as it had ever been. And though you desperately wanted to find Eve you were sadly disappointed because she did not live up to your expectations! Do not give up my dear Adam, be patient for a yet while more. I will be ready soon. I know the time has not yet come for us, but I am waiting and praying everyday that He gives me and you the patience and the heart to wait. Know that I love you now and always. Until then, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!